7 Love Song Lyrics That Will Earn You a Slap

You know how Meat Loaf sang "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that? It's actually explained in the song what "that" is - but lots of people wonder aloud about this ("maybe it's bum stuff, ha ha!") because the lyrics are convoluted and stupid.

He won't forget how beautful she looks in the morning. He won't forget how his heart soared on their first date. That kind of yawnsome shit. If this were a love letter it would have been binned already. And if he'd tried it in person he may have been slapped.

Here are 6 more stupid love song lyrics that should not be tried in the field...

1) WHATEVER I SAID, WHATEVER I DID, I DIDN'T MEAN IT

It seems to be a common fantasy of women that a man has wronged them and is trying to make amends. A man who has done nothing wrong has no reason to grovel like an idiot - and that's just boring - so every now and then they will just invent things.

Be prepared. This line from Take That is the last thing you should say. She needs you to know why she's upset, even if each incorrect guess is adding to your sentence.

2) I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! I WANT YOU TO SHOW ME!

I see what he's trying here. The kids today call it simping. Teach me how to love you! I'm a blank slate, ready to be molded to your every whim! It's every woman's dream!

Call me cynical, but I don't think it is. Women want the joy of ripping your life from you bit by bit. The satisfaction of another friend or family member alienated, another fashion choice abandoned, another hobby you no longer enjoy - until the man she married no longer exists. She didn't marry that man. She married that man's potential. But if you have nothing to begin with that she can chisel away at, then all you are is the throbbing great dildo your non-mates already think you are.

3) SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED - I'M YOURS!

You see, Stevie Wonder has made the same mistake here. That "dick in a box" song gets away with it because it's tongue-in-cheek, but trying to pass this off as romantic is a risky move. You need to understand that she's the prize. You're just the oik she's settling for - and this is under review, so don't start getting ideas.

4) EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE... I'LL BE WATCHING YOU

I assume this one needs no warning. But did it ever? I know times change (fun fact: if the Cadbury's Milk Tray Man were Me Too'd today, his crimes would date back to 1968!) but come on: this was never a love song.

Just like that James Blunt one, this is the paranoid ramblings of a dangerous loner, miskaken as romantic for absolutely God-knows-why - and there has never been a time when this line would have meant welcome news to even the most naive of women.

5) A MILLION LOVES SONGS LATER, HERE I AM

Yes, another Take That one. I imagine Gary Barlow is so successful with the ladies that the rules don't apply to him. This is forgivable. And you certainly can't fault him for his logic here. "I could write a million love songs for you, but what would be the point? Let's get on with it." But there's a reason John Nash got that slap. It should work this way, but it just doesn't.

6) I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE... AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME

You don't care where she's from or what she's done. That's good. You're above shallow differences. You only care who she is as a person. Oh, you don't care about that either? She could be any one of four billion women and you haven't noticed her very obvious status as the best catch in town, possibly the world? She just has to "love" you? Well we all know what that means! God, men are all the same...