6 Unsung Stars of Videogame FMV

Live action video (with full motion, no less) in videogames really felt like living in the future. It was like seeing that first massive Bullet Bill in Super Mario World, never conceiving that a sprite could be that big. Now we're playing with super power.

So it's kind of odd how short-lived it was. It seems once the novelty wore off, everyone realised they weren't really interested. The whole point of videogames was to control what's on the screen. If I want to watch a film I will, thanks.

Small wonder then that they never brought in the big guns. Most videogame FMV sequences look today like they were shot by your uncle with his mates from the pub. And me, I just love that. Here are my favourite performances:

1) KRONOS MAELOR (THE HORDE)

The Horde was a brilliant mix of strategy and hack n slash, with cartoon humour and a funky soundtrack. It's actually something I've been trying to copy. Try as I might though, there's no copying this:

For years I thought this guy was F Murray Abraham. Maybe this is why he was denied his shot at greatness. Hollywood doesn't need two of them. But if Kirk Cameron can make a name for himself as a poor-man's Toby Maguire, I really think Evil Old Man Number 2 here has been done dirty.

2) "TRASH-TALKING OPPONENT" (NEED FOR SPEED)

I was kind of obsessed with this guy as a kid. He was everything a cocky 90s playboy should be, sneering and swaggering around what I assumed were nice cars. I didn't care about the cars. I wanted this prick as a big brother. I wanted him to follow me around, narrating my life, taking the piss. OK kid, here's the sitch: you can waltz on over the road, sure, play it safe if you can't take the heat - or you can meet this old lady head-on, toe-to-toe, Texas style.

I always found it funny to play on easy mode and see how crap he was. Picturing his confused face in the window as I sail past him.

We sadly lost him to cancer in 2013. As he says at 18:30 though, he will live forever, digitally immortalised. And in my fond memories. Sleep well, playa!

3) GHOST (SEWER SHARK)

By contrast, I always hated this man. It wasn't his fault. My only exposure to Sega Saturn was through a weird friend who wouldn't let anyone else play it. I'd have to sit and watch Animal Mother here give him the "don't screw this up, rookie!" pep talk with all the intensity a veteran cyberpunk plumber can muster, while I sat there shuffling my POGs. He will screw this up! Let me have a go!

4) CHRIS REDFIELD (RESIDENT EVIL)

I always liked this sweeping shot. In the censored UK version we didn't even know what they were looking at, and it's only Chris who gives any indication it's bad. Enrico and Jill are just gormless. Barry looks like a building inspector critiquing a substandard repair. Wesker of course has his shades. Chris is last, and the actor knows he has to bring it.

He brings it even harder in the cast line-up, in a scene we Brits were again denied. You'd think a grizzled special forces vet might have more on his mind, but he's really enjoying that cigarette. Really getting as much as he can from the only real advantage the game will give him. Jill's video should have been of her stroking her lockpick with a knowing smile. She's got this.

5) SUB-ZERO (MORTAL KOMBAT MYTHOLOGIES)

I think the actor here has based his performance on Shredder from The Turtles. He's made the most obvious parallel and just called it a day in terms of research. But let's get something straight - he is not a ninja! I wonder if this too was a UK edit. If you're unaware, they were called Hero Turtles over here. (And the song was spliced: "Splinter taught them to be fighting team!" They really didn't trust us at all.)

It's strange that all the dialogue sounds like old kung-fu movie dubs, given that two of them are wearing masks. I guess they cast the evil chancellor first, realised they would have to apply a filter for the terrorist's bomb threat voice and how silly that would sound, and just proceeded in that vein. Right down to the arms waving at 45-degree angles at all times. Why would someone called Sub-Zero be that paranoid about sweaty pits...

6) ARIEL (THE DAEDALUS ENCOUNTER)

Well, forget what I said about not bringing the big guns! Tia Carerre for the win! I had no idea my teenage dream girl did a videogame. Looks like she was a sexy space pirate who turns the player on (ha ha! See, that was a pun - you play as a robot) and then acts as your copilot. You didn't really think she'd end up with Wayne, didja?!