WORDS IN PICTURES: How These 5 Films Should Have Ended

Hello! I'm a popular writer who has paid his dues with a respected body of work you will all be familiar with, and have thus earned the right to trash and nitpick the works of others. Who the hell do I think I am?! I just told you. Now look:

1) TITANIC

There have been essays written by now on how Rose scuppered her whole family's financial future for the memory of some guy she knew for 2 days. I didn't even think of that. My hate for her came from the confident ease with which she wasted the time of everyone in that office. She knew they had work to do. She knew what they wanted from her and that she had no intention of helping them.

But sod it - she likes helicopter rides and cups of tea and leading a team of researchers up the garden path for what looked like hours for the simple old-woman joy of spraffing about herself. Rich privilege is real.

2) THE NEVERENDING STORY

As a kid I would watch The NeverEnding Story then immediately rewind it and watch it again. My dad said this was weird (and it is) but even then I knew what it was. The disconnect between the first act and the rest of the film really bothered me.

I understand now that it's just a framing device - the dad needs to chide Bastian and tell him to get his head out of the clouds so that by the end, he can be literally in the clouds, conquering his demons through the power of a child's imagination and proving his stuffy old dad wrong - but it still feels like a loose end. I want closure on the dad, please...

3) HOOK

...But not as badly as the closure needed here. Like the melting shoe in Roger Rabbit, the "boo box" scene in Hook really upset me. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the film for worrying about that poor pirate. Every scene set on the ship, I would scan the background, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Did anyone let him out? Did he die? He must be in agony by now. Why does no one care?! Whatever happened to Hook in that crocodile's jaws was too good for him.

4) GROUNDHOG DAY

I could talk about this my favourite film all day. I think it's perfect. And the best thing you can do with perfection is leave it alone. That said, they could have at least left the door open to the possibility of a sequel. As long as it's a straight-to-VHS affair with different actors and none of the deep Buddhist musings of the first, critically panned but a cult classic because it's funny, it could have worked. Struggling to think of an actress who's ever made me laugh, though.

As it is, there's a major power imbalance in Phil and Rita's relationship going forward. How can it be a solid foundation of mutual respect when one knows the other inside-out and back again, having once been a god who slept with an entire town? I give it a month.

5) THE LITTLE MERMAID

I've just checked Disney-Plus and there's no apologetic disclaimer about this. Have I spotted a new one? This is exciting. Who do I send angry emails to, and when do I get my money?