6 Forgotten Celebrities I'm Glad Don't Live Near Me

I've heard it said that the age at which you become famous is your mental age forever. Combine that with fame's pressures and it's no wonder some celebrities lose their minds.

We've all seen Kanye West dressed as a marshmallow spouting Hitler stuff. Anyone who's ever seen Jackass might be charting Bam Margera's impressive nosedive. Charlie Sheen has made lunacy his brand.

All of this, you'll agree, is a lot of fun. For that reason, I'm presenting six British ones you probably weren't aware of - probably because you forgot about them years ago.

1) Brian Harvey

I always assumed the East-17 frontman dressed like a clown just because that was the job. I also assumed he was a massive goon. Only one of those things was wrong.

Just look at him. It must have been something in the eyes that told me when he wasn't in the studio, he was harassing Co-Op staff, bumping into people in the street and hooting, slashing bike tyres for fun and throwing fag ends in people's gardens. It's possible none of this is true - but I bet it is.

His manager admits to being so fed up with him that he was delighted when he shot himself in the foot telling the press about all the pills he enjoys, and was able to sack him. To sack the frontman and only good singer of a successful band that was making him money. A proposed reunion fell through when Brian showed up late to the meeting, and not long after that he almost died when he ran himself over.

If you take even a cursory look at how he is now at fifty and work back, I actually think I was being conservative there above. Here he is screaming at NHS staff:

Here he is threatening an Uber delivery driver. Here he is losing his mind at a troll. Here he is being a complete prannock outside 10 Downing Street. Here he is angrily contesting a utility bill on the grounds that they spelled his name wrong. I could go on. There's a real rabbit hole here.

A common mantra of his is that he's sold X million records and has thus been such a net gain to society that he deserves a bit back (to be on the dole for decades). I guess he's not considering all the wasted police time and the property prices he's causing to plummet.

2) Shane Lynch

As with B-Harv, Boyzone's Shane was billed as the bad boy of the group. When you're essentially a children's entertainer, you'd imagine this would be limited to an eyebrow piercing and perhaps some charity boxing matches, rather than sweary outbursts at kids - but of course I'm not in tha biz.

Now, Shane didn't piss away his and his band's future then spend his limited dad energy taking this out on customer service workers. No. He's done OK for himself. He's just gone the "tortured playboy finds God, starts atoning and never shuts up about it" route.

It doesn't stop there. He's started to accuse various musicians of literal devil worship. A lot of said Satanism is subliminal - "down to the very beats" - and some of it isn't. But really, if a fiery red pentagram looks cool (which it doesn't), who gives a shit? Apparently Shane does. He takes this stuff very seriously. And I don't want to see his curtains twitching each time I order in a McDonald's.

One tick in his favour I wasn't aware of though: he did once punch The Diddler.

3) Uri Geller

Uri Geller may be the biggest bumhair alive. I used to be on his side somewhat. It's not his fault if society is willing to make a millionaire celebrity of him for a throwaway party trick he didn't even invent. Or if idiots keep giving him their money even after he's proven a fraud. Or if the CIA lost their minds in the 70s trying to beat the Russians at mind control, and were ready to fund literally anything.

I changed my mind on this when he tried to sue Nintendo. Again, he didn't invent spoon-bending, but that Pokemon who reads minds with a couple of bent spoons in his hands was somehow theft of identity. For this he tried to get the videogames pulled from the shelves. Now, I was in from the start! I needed more kids to buy it so I could get my Bulbassaur! And even though it didn't affect me, he managed to get the character removed from the card game, meaning it became impossible to catch 'em all - the literal point of the game.

If this were just opportunism, it may still be forgivable. But he's one of the most self-important fatheads to ever find a platform. He believes his own bullshit. You can just picture him pacing round his solicitor's office shouting THEY WILL PAY FOR THIS. Here he is 3 months ago, urging Trump to invade Iran. He clearly sees himself by now as God's messenger to the world. Look how animated he is:

Imagine living next to this, for Christ's sake. He would pull this card every time your ASDA delivery touched his parking space. You'd hear him through the walls shouting over the phone at various secretaies and demanding audience with world leaders. Get your boss! Listen to me! Don't interrupt! You'd have to get your bins out early because this night-time crap is probably a regular thing. Truly, what a bumhair.

4) Mark O'Shea

For some reason, Mark O'Shea was billed as Britain's answer to Steve Irwin. He isn't. Just because he knows a lot about reptiles and was born without that inbuilt fear of scaly things that has kept our species alive this long, doesn't mean he's entertaining.

No matter, you say. Us Brits are thinkers. We don't need wacky antics and infectious enthusiasm to keep our attention. At least he's a nice guy. Now, I'm having a hard time proving this, but trust me when I say that he isn't. He's as miserable as they come. He used to put on shows at a Safari Park we would go to often, and I saw him ruin the day of many a bright-eyed child he'd invited to get involved. Picture your mad auntie who is over-protective of her cats and considers you a cruel monster for not knowing that Edgar has a bruise and can't be stroked there! His angry lectures became legendary among people that worked with him. He only smiles via camera.

I'm already suspicious of snake people. At least I'd know he was taking good care of them, and that they won't be escaping to my garden. But even so, I can do without this.

5) Mark Morrison

"Returrrn of the Mack!" That guy. I assume that's enough said - because I certainly knew nothing else about him before today. A true one-hit wonder. But cap my white ass if that song wasn't smooth. I played it a lot as a kid.

Part of his success may have been the assumption that he was once a big name and this was his comeback. Maybe we just weren't paying attention. See, he was returning from a romantic breakup. Very clever. It turns out, his subsequent returns have mostly been to court - for being a gangbanging little pecker who for some reason thinks rural Leicester is The Bronx.

In 1995 he was arrested for scrapping outside a nighclub and given community service. In '97 he threatened police with a stun gun and was jailed for three months. In '98 he was jailed for a year when someone noticed that the photo above (from his performance at the BRIT Awards) overlapped with the '95 sentence and that he should have been at work - but had paid a lookalike to fill in for him so he could go on tour. Stupidity or arrogance? He made his grand entrance by casting off sexy policewomen and "escaping". I will say both.

Since then, he's been arrested for weapons, kidnap, vehicle theft, weapons again, and twice for assault - and that's just in the UK. He now lives in Florida. Two multimillion-dollar mansions in Palm Beach was apparently always an option. "Leicester's version of The Beatles" vowed he would never return there - then later attempted to run for its mayor. I hope his next return is to the dust from whence he came.

6) David Shayler

Who else remembers David Shayler? He was Britain's late-90s, rubbish version of Edward Snowden - in that he blew some whistles on MI5, fled to France, spent two years on the celebrity circuit, then returned to serve seven weeks in prison. (His main bombshell was an alleged plot to assassinate Gadaffi; hardly the scoop of the century, this being pre- 9/11 when we weren't yet pretending to like him.) For this, he was briefly an anti-establishment hero. Until people realised he was nuts and forgot about him.

Since then, he's been treading water in the public eye as a 9/11 truther and general conspiracy theorist. Looking like a cross between Edward Furlong and Peter Mannion, he's been appearing anywhere that will take him, to talk about controlled demolitions or the planes being holograms disguising missiles. I can't tell you how much these people annoy me. A healthy mistrust of your government is only wise - but they jump to eleven and act like there's no middle ground. You either believe in lizard people or you believe everything the government tells you.

I've just learned that in 2009 he transitioned, and now identifies as Delores Kane. While I definitely applaud this and think it's brilliant, I'm not doing a search-and-replace of the word "he". I hope she appreciates what a sheadache this would be. I'm feeling a little intimidated at not welcoming her as a neighbour - but fuck off - if anyone is Jesus it's me.

Bonus: James Corden

I went to school with a fat kid. There were kids who were larger (including me for a while) - but he was the school fatty because he was the complete package. He was loud. He did everything slowly. He was both stupid and arrogant. He sounded fat when he talked (all throaty and laboured). His name was Huw, for God's sake. If you wrote a comedy character like that, you'd be considered lazy.

Yes, this is of course my segue to James Corden. An obvious outlier in that he's a huge-name A-lister, currently topping the charts as the hated celeb du jour. But see, I never liked him. I disagree wholeheartedly with his stance on Indian food. An Indian restaurant menu is inherently unknowable. And the bigger your friend group, the greater your chance at cracking the code. Everyone order what you know you like, plus one lucky-dip item, and share it around! Only in this way will you expand your culinary horizons. Am I balls ordering a dopiaza as my main choice - but I may be missing out, and I will never know for sure as long as this man is spreading his evil doctrine.