6 More People Whose Problems Don't Amount to a Hill of Piss

When I first found some British people moaning about trivial things, I thought it was quite funny. Then I found some more. Then I realised this is an endless goldmine and there will never come a time when I don't love it. Here are six more Negative Nellies for your reading pleasure:

1) SLICK VAN DYKE

This sprightly old goose is 95 and wishes he were somewhere else. I'm sure it's very sad that his wish will soon be granted - but in the meantime, he'd like to share how shit his hometown has become. He seems to think that (A) he's unique in this, and (B) it will make a difference.

The fact that this headline is from a few weeks ago is actually kind of nice. I wonder what his tipping point was? For most of us of course, national pride has been a slow, quiet death.

Maybe he's done a Grandpa Joe. Imagine leaving your house for the first time since the 90s and realising all the pubs have gone. And all the jobs and anything at all for kids to do. And that bearded men in sandals advertising vape pens or mobile phone repair now account for about every eighth building around you. And you missed your chance to buy your house for £3,000 so your grandkids might have a chance. You'd probably have the same bewildered expression. Sorry, geezer. No one can help you now. Just remember the good times.

And speaking of Roald Dahl characters...

2) JIMMY THE HAT

What Americans call carnies, we call showmen. This is something I just learned for the first time. They're a recognised ethnic group. Maybe things are just that different in Scotland - because I've won my fair share of diseased fairground goldfish and nobody I've ever seen looks like this.

The other thing that confused me about this article is what exactly the problem is. Jimmy and his family have been illegally squatting for over 40 years while also travelling the country for work. They know full well they're not supposed to be there. They've been threatened with eviction over 20 times already. ("I've had more sheriffs than Robin Hood", he says, in case you weren't puzzled enough. Maybe they should call in Officer Dibble instead.)

So even though travelling is in his blood, and even though he's retired with no further use for a warehouse full of fairground shit, and even though they've all been offered council housing just around the corner, and even though he'd look perfectly at home in a back alley among swindling jazz cats anyway, he's taking this thing to the end.

3) THIRSTY ELVIS AND HIS PIECE

Oh man, talk about low-hanging fruit.

None of us can help our genetic makeup, but we all have the option of making an effort. Some people don't care, and that's fine. Enviable, even. It's what's inside that counts.

Of course, this goes completely out the window when you sign yourself up as a swinger. When you want to have sex with strangers, you can absolutely expect to be judged on your looks alone. If you already have cheeseburger-induced diabetes and you show up to the party with greasy hair and your Game of Thrones hoodie, you have no more chance of being accepted than I do of joining the SAS.

Even though they remained 'on the scene' for twelve years, this basic concept still eludes them. "People were judging us by our looks", gasps Tracy. Adds Elvis (I assume that's his real name): "“We got a lot of abuse from the first time we did it, with people calling us fat, saying we look like mother and son." Again: twelve years.

"Don't do it", says Tracy, "especially if you are plus size". Because if there's one group of people currently having a hard time getting laid, it's plus-sized women. I assume she means, "if you are averse to any kind of self-care routine".

And speaking of dubious names...

4) THE PISS ARTIST

When Stan Blade returned home pissed one day, his stepmum wasn't happy. Not because this was new to her: look at him! (Also, she'd already seen his dad drink himself to death twelve years ago.)

No, she was upset because he'd taken his dad's ashes for a nine-hour bender in a Tesco carrier bag and lost him. Except it wasn't his fault! He'd only planned to take him on some fairground rides on the seafront! He'd repeatedly been asked not to, but it's what he may have wanted! Over a decade later! Who among us hasn't left the house with his perfectly-noble aim, only to get distracted by at least eleven drinks?

If you spotted the dark irony of a man's cremated remains inside a Bag For Life and are thinking this was a wacky joke, you may be right. The self-proclaimed Tiktok legend posted a video of himself appealing for help then sniggering at his mum. The ashes were soon found by a binman. All's pointless that ends stupid.

5) NICHOLA THE TICKLER

OK, a fun one to finish. Something apparently denied to this woman - who finds herself unable to enjoy her £1000 worth of sex toys after some policemen found them and took the piss.

That's it. That's the story. But for some reason, this is the longest entry (ha ha) of all five here. She has plenty to say. She even volunteers a full accounting of said toys, knowing we're an audience of horny salivating dogs and we love it. Anyone would think she's eyeing up an OnlyFans career.

Part 1 here! Part 2 here!

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