Alpha Centauri Characters Ranked by Comedy
Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri was brilliant. If you're a fan of 4X games (explore, exterminate... and the rest) then you're probably familiar. If not, just know that it was critically acclaimed out the arse. PC Gamer gave it the highest score it had ever given, at 98%.
A big part of that was the story. That a game of this genre had one at all is amazing. It's told through an implied canon, made up of small, drip-fed soundbites in loose order as the player discovers new tech or triggers events. It's a masterclass of minimalist narration. Most players would have no idea it even exists as they grapple with their latest campaign.
But they would definitely be impressed by these little nuggets in themselves. Designer Brian Reynolds is a philosophy major and it shows. He created a rich, full world of characters, encapsulating a full spectrum of social science. And they're balanced, too. They stereotype each other to make fun and belittle their rivals - but meanwhile the player is getting a real education as each makes their case.
They would also be laughing. Being extreme exponents of their various doctrines, these characters are seriously funny. You want so much to jump into the game and sit in on their meetings, watching them mock and shout at each other, joining in. Alas, you cannot. But what you can do is watch this series of YouTube shorts I've started making:
...And here is my list, in ascending order, of how much comedy value I've found each character to have:
7) Colonel Santiago
Of all the SMAC cast, I'd say the Colonel is the least discernible. Look at those eyes. That cool disdain, that annoyance that your hopeless buffoonery is wasting her time. She's the leader of the Spartans, which really says it all. Hit the gym, maggot! And if you don't have the superman genes to go with that, get reading some Sun Tzu. And if you're too stupid for that, get to work serving your betters. In any case, get out of my sight.
So in terms of comedy, I suppose you could make her an exaggerated Sergeant Hartman character. But she's not really a shouter. In my series, she's a human tripwire the others know to tip-toe around. She shrieks like a banshee and desends with the smackdown as the mood takes her.
Otherwise it's slim pickings. Because in-game she's a capable leader and a smart diplomat, able to hold a conversation. Unlike...
6) Sister Miriam
I think in-game, most of the comedy from Miriam comes from childish name-calling. I mean, look at her! Talk about low-hanging fruit.
But that said, I know there's potential. Despite looking for all the world like she's about to settle down with a lovely almond slice and watch Columbo, she's not to be ignored. Her brand of Christianity is old-school fundamentalism. Which makes her terrifying.
Like most people who base their life around the Old Testament, she's outwarly fuming and hostile from the outset. She commands an army of followers all ready to fight to the death for Jesus. Anyone who's played this game even once knows to find out where the hell she is as soon as possible, and try to make sure she stays there. The characters in my series are yet to understand this. But they will.
5) Chairman Yang
If corpse-eyed resolve has a name, that name is Sheng-ji Yang. He truly doesn't care about anyone, and nor does he care what you think about that. He doesn't even care what jokes you might have of him being a queen ant. He's the leader of The Hive (his words, presumably) and things will get done.
I like Yang because, unlike every other despot in history, he's not a shit. He's incorruptible. He truly believes in his vision and he practices what he preaches. Even if that vision is of soulless proles queueing in perfect line for grey slop in drab feeding bays, you just know he's right there with them. I mean, not there. He probably has his own drab feeding bay. But only so he can focus on Queen stuff.
In my videos, Yang is a Zen master. He barely blinks. He communicates only in soundbites from the game. He's barely even there. And I still find him very funny. In terms of effort vs reward, he's my favourite.
4) Professor Zakharov
In-game, Zak's whole thing is that he wants to be left alone to pursue his studies... but only until he learns how to build a futuristic air force, and then you're all in trouble. He's a softly-spoken dark horse and the player has a moral duty to steal his tech wherever possible.
Though it's implied he's morally loose and bull-headed, he's not really a stereotype mad scientist. But I'm sorry to say, in my videos, he is a stereotype comedy Russian. He's calm and calculating. He observes human folly with detached amusement. He has the most advanced vocabulary, despite English not being his first language. You don't know whether to love him or fear him as you await his Give me the codes Natalya! meltdown.
3) Lady Deidre
Deidre has the blessing/curse of being able to talk to Nature. Not in a hippy-dippy peace-and-love way; the planet in this game is actually sentient, it turns out. The clues are there early on, because she finds to the player's delight that she can possess the formidable native fauna and send it off on the attack. But I like to think this comes back to bite her one night, as Planet waits until she's asleep to reveal its terrifying malevolence and frighten the crap out of her.
After that, she's not the same. She begins my series a conescending mother figure. I'd like to see a Guy Fawkes-style before-and-after of her signature, following Planet's absolute beasting. Instead, I asked ChatGPT to give her a horrified / traumatised face, which she will now wear constantly. She will eventually return to insufferable preacher armed with her new inside information - but for now, she's scared of her own shadow and can't sleep alone. And comedy potential is high.
2) Brother Lal
Brother Lal is already very funny. As head of the UN committee that launched the mission, he's the de facto leader - but this leadership exists only in his head. The bonus he gets in council meetings seems to be a case of "let the baby have his rattle". No one respects him, but he's harmless.
Once again, the pic says it all. Look how happy he is to be on this grand adventure with his best friends. His loyal UN members. His guys! He has no idea what a boring bastard he is, and that everyone abandoned his stupid club the moment they left Earth's atmosphere.
This misunderstanding will be his undoing. In the game, finding Lal is like finding El Dorado. He's your ticket to good times and you can start getting his stuff as soon as you like - either by lying, bullying or just invading him and taking it. In my series, this will play out somewhat differently. I like Lal and he deserves more.
1) CEO Morgan
Yes! Here he comes! Nwabudike Morgan is a comedy god.
I hadn't realised until I started these videos just how much I like him. I think it's the bare-faced cheek. He's not just your standard heartless capitalist; he's a true believer in the free market as the only moral compass for humanity. This makes him likely the greediest man in all of fiction. Early on we learn he's angry at his unborn children for wanting to inherit a world he hasn't already plundered.
It wouldn't surprise me if, midway through the game, he bought the planet's oxygen supply and tried to rent it back to people, only abandoning the plan because he was foiled by pirate chemists. If this sounds like hyperbole, just know that he begins the game with the express intention of cornering the global energy market - that is, a leveraged buyout of the entire planet. I want to hate this but I just can't. Shine on you crazy diamond mogul!
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I'm now 4 episodes in to my SMAC Tales series. I'm having fun, even if Adobe Animate crashes as much as Wix does. At least it doesn't think I'm a black American woman. "Aww snap!" Fuck off.
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