11 Types of People You Meet as an Office Worker

Like most people who work in an office, I just tell people I work in an office. Keep the scope wide. It's the same logic as when a PE teacher tells you he's a teacher. If you work in an office too, it's likely among characters like...

1) THE COMPANY MAN

This hairy sack of tits hopes he's making up for his oafish incompetence with enthusiasm and strength of character. He leads every fundraiser and charity day with smiles and high-fives. He's signed up for every bit of extra training going - none of which he will ever be called upon to use because a monkey with a medikit would be a safer bet.

2) THE STUDENT

She's better at the job than you even though she's been here five minutes and is very open about her plan to leave once she graduates. She's funny and charming and pretty without being smug about it. You feel acute panic at the thought of still being here when the company she comes to own buys the place. Hopefully she'll get hit by a train before then.

3) THE BANSHEE

Whatever value this woman is bringing is more than outweighed by the punishing volume at which she does. In a better world she'd be pigeonholed somewhere out of earshot, i.e. the moon, but instead a whole seating rotation system has been devised around her. Her repellent honking is bad enough to probably qualify as a protected characteristic, so everyone is just waiting for her to retire.

4) THE BRAVEHEART

His boundless passion for donkey work isn't as infectious as the boss thinks it is. Rather, his rallying cries of "Come on team, lets smash it!" inspire genuine curiosity about his mental state.

5) THE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY

He's everyone's best friend and dammit, he's yours too. He's somehow on everyone's wavelength all at once, which really shouldn't be possible. Any attempt to hate him will instead be turned on yourself, as you sit there grumpily rearranging your desktop icons and telling yourself you can easily be like him if you want. You do and you can't. If it's any consolation, he may never figure out how much of himself is being wasted in this dead-end job.

6) THE PROGRESSIVE

She includes her preferred pronouns in her email sign-off even though they're the same as every other boring straight woman so you knew them already. She's all BLM and trans rights and cultural appropriation even though she's in her forties and grew up with none of these concepts. From this, we can assume she had no social life at all before about ten years ago. Whoever she's married since then to spark this new interest in the world has clearly failed to inject any personality in the process.

7) THE ONE

This guy has seen through the matrix. He knows it's all about corporate profits. He knows the free coffee is to increase productivity. He knows the Christmas party is to instill company loyalty. What he doesn't know is that his job is hanging by a thread and everybody hates him.

8) THE MOM

Having seen her own kids fly the nest, she's bringing that residual housewife energy to the office. Yes, that dishwasher isn't unloading itself! Cleaning staff have been coasting off her unpaid labour for years without even knowing it. Under her desk is a giddying arsenal of decorations, medications, toiletries, sweeties and biscuits, plus a spreadsheet of everyone's birthdays and what they like. Like every good mom, she's seen as a bit of a bother and no one is prepared for the colossal hole she will make when she leaves. Unlike...

9) THE MOM-TO-BE

The interviewer suspected she was pregnant and hoped she would keep quiet about it so he could make some other excuse and reject her. She didn't. She ticked all the boxes and she knew it. She starts her maternity leave next week and you know you will never see her again.

10) THE STICKER ARTIST

This guy is convinced you're out to steal everything on his desk. He actually uses the locks on his drawers. He has a personalised mug. He's even labelled his chair because he'd rather embarrass himself like this than ever take 30 seconds to adjust another one to his liking.

11) THE FRUSTRATED CREATIVE

This sorry prick spends his downtime writing about the people around him with an air of detached amusement while deep inside him something is dying, as he wrestles with the growing understanding that he has no more chance of escape than any of them.