The Bible 3-5: Moses Goes Postal

Have you ever been so bored that you wet-shaved your arse? The first time I did this was out of a vague feeling that I should, and I think the folly of this is something every self-respecting man learns for himself. That hair is there for a reason. But after that, you do it again now and then just for a change / something to do - then get itchy and sticky and annoyed for a week.

I bring this up because recently those twin forces of boredom and obligation led to me picking up The Bible. Genesis and Exodus were brilliant. Leviticus is rubbish. Numbers is a mixed bag. Deuteronomy is mostly a recap. But isn't it fun just to learn!

Know ye this...

1) "IF YOU BITCHES HAVE QUITE FINISHED..." (LEVITICUS 1-27)

In Exodus, God revealed Himself not only a jealous God but a very picky one too. His Ten Commandments were underscored by lots more precise rules and a full ten chapters on how exactly He wants to be worshipped. This seems to end abruptly when He notices His people worshipping a golden cow instead - but that's dealt with, His mobile temple is built, and He's now ready to lay down some more.

27 chapters more. His laws and demands make up the entire book.

And it's like half the next one, too. That golden idol must have really pissed Him off.

There's a break in Chapter 10 when two of Aaron's sons use the wrong incense for their offering (or something like that - it's not made clear) and are burned to death by God. Aaron is warned not to mourn them or he'll be next. Perhaps knowing he's on thin ice as the one who'd built that cow, he shuts his mouth.

The rest of the book continues pretty much in this vein. God is not mucking around any more. Offences worthy of death include adultery, gayness (if you're a man), disrespecting your parents, marrying the same man as your mother (whether you're a woman or a man), sorcery, and sacrificing your children to the pagan God Molech (this one seems fair enough). There's another break in 24 as He orders a man stoned to death for blasphemy.

(Other surprising sins: eating shellfish, planting different kinds of crop in the same field, having different kinds of fabric in your outfit, mourning loved ones via tattoos, having a goatee beard. Some of these sound like metaphor, but I've read around and apparently not. He just plain does not like these things and is no longer shy about saying so.)

And that's the book. Whether this whiny unruly mob has been humbled remains to be seen. Nor are we told why it's called Leviticus, which is really the only question I had. 1/5, wouldn't recommend.

2) MOSESES ARMY ARE ON THEIR WAYYYY (NUMBERS 1-12)

Right, on to Numbers. Finally ready to invade Canaan, the fighting-age men are counted and number over 600,000. Biblical indeed. It's a number so ridiculous in fact, that we can probably assume a mistranslation. No army of the day is this big. It's at least twice Canaan's entire population. The book whose stated purpose is to communicate numbers has already failed to do so.

"I'd say there's about seventeen million out there!"

Whatever their size, they're so certain of victory that they're already calling the place Israel. But wait - God has 10 more chapters of rules and even more stuff He wants for that tent of His, before He'll let them leave. It's been almost a year since the golden calf debacle and He's still going on. To me, He's starting to take the piss. And He only has Himself to blame that they've circled back to being unhappy.

So the Israelites set off, and true to form they start bitching immediately. They don't want to go back to eating His rubbish manna for the march. God responds with more executions, and at this point Moses snaps. He gives The Lord a not-undeserved ticking off, and prays for death. God responds by sending the people enough quail meat to come out of their nostrils and make them sick (He actually says this) and another plague, just so they're clear on how pissed off He is. When Aaron and Miriam ask if they can speak with Him directly as their brother Moses does, He strikes them with leprosy for being

so cheeky. But after all this, and with all parties hating each other, they set off (again).

"We gon' get 'em!"

3) "DUHHH, BOSS, DO WE HAVE TO?" (13-19)

Camped outside Canaan, God orders a scouting party sent in to report back. Having had His eye on

the place since the days of Abraham, He apparently knows dick all about it. He hasn't even told us yet

why He likes it so much. He keeps telling His people it's a land of milk and honey. They have enough milk. They're farmers. They could easily buy honey with all the gold they seem to have. And now to top it off, it seems He was just guessing about this the whole time.

(I'm probably being silly, of course. What He really wants for His chosen is a nice bit of turf they can call their own. And it's not like He can just make one. But they certainly don't deserve it yet.)

After 40 days the scouts come back, and all but two of them advise against attacking. The city is not only fortified, it's full of giants! Even with God's proven marksmanship, it's a suicide mission! The people lose faith and decide to quit. As with the golden idol thing, God is so mad He wants to end them all right here and start again. Moses again reminds Him that the promise works both ways, and they've already followed Him this far.

God checks the proverbial small print and decides He can punish these cowardly custards while technically honouring the covenant, by saying He will in fact guide them in - but not for 40 years - by which time all but two of them will be dead.

"Did you know 40 is my most favourite number?"

Yes, He's going to manufacture their slow deaths in the wilderness rather than mercy kill them now, in order to save face. The two scouts who'd been either honest or dishonest (depending on your belief in giants - but hold that thought for now) will be allowed in when they're old and grey. Blameless children (currently 20 and under) will join them too, in what is surely some character development on God's part. I assume He has a different plan for Moses (who's in his 80s) but if so, He's not sharing it.

By the next chapter He's back to dictating what kind of offerings He wants. He still has the carrot of their kids' futures, and after all there are fates worse than death, so it's business as usual, bitches. He underscores this by ordering the execution of a man caught gathering sticks on the sabbath. Then a rebellion is quashed via 250 burnings and a plague which kills a further 14,700. We're all about those numbers here!

God then has 5 further chapters of law and guff to lay on them. Have you ever been made redundant from a job but still have to work your notice period? And you still have to attend pointless meetings just to nod and smile? Can you imagine 40 years of that? These chapters do a really good job of imparting that feeling. But then things get juicy...

4) MOSES FUCKS UP (20)

It's almost the end of the 40-year sentence, and Moses has still received no word of God's plan for him. As far as anyone knows, everyone over 60 who is still alive will die very soon with the exception of those two lying scouts (Joshua and Caleb, by the way). You get the feeling he'd welcome death by now. But not knowing must have been very stressful, on top of everything.

His sister Miriam dies. He has no time to mourn because the people are on him yet again with their problems. They're thirsty and have no water. God tells Moses to take his rod and magic water from a stone for them, just as he'd done in Exodus. Except no - there's a subtle difference. He's to speak to the stone this time, not strike it. After four decades sandwiched between the most demanding, hot-headed bitches in all of literature, his imminent death a real possibility and his overburdened, 120-year-old brain falling apart like a wet cake, poor Moses fumbles and strikes it.

Water comes out and the people are happy. It's only later that God takes him to one side and breaks the news that this was unacceptable and his services will no longer be required.

"Good luck in your future endeavours. Actually, about that..."

...Following the transitional phase, of course. God still needs His workhorse / scapegoat for now, and he will need to train his successor Joshua before he's allowed to die. At least now he knows.

5) YOU EITHER DIE A HERO... (21-36)

OK, home stretch. God has to send serpents to kill a few people moaning that they're hungry, and Moses again deals with the fallout. The army tests its mettle against local tribes, and they win some battles. This catches the attention of the King of Moab(??), who enlists a neighboring sorcerer to curse them. God intercedes, there's some silliness with a talking donkey, and said curses become blessings.

Even though that sorcerer became God's puppet, it's suspected he may have advised the King to try a honey trap campaign on the Israelites. Because they're inundated by whores almost overnight. This may have been welcome comfort and a last hurrah for the dying generation, but God is furious and has Moses arrange executions. He also sends another plague, which kills 24,000 more people.

He's a jealous God, remember...

Numbers are taken again, and it's found that all the old generation (excluding Moses, Joshua and Caleb but including Aaron who I forgot to mention) are now dead. Moses can now begin training Joshua. This lasts the next three chapters, while God thinks up some more laws.

God then approaches Moses and tells him He has one last mission for him, and then he will die. He actually tells him that. He's to lead a charge on the land of Midian, whence came all those dirty women, and get some revenge / experience points. Every last man, all five kings (apparently there were five) plus that sneaky shaman are all killed, and the city is burned to the ground.

It's now that Moses suffers his second nervous breakdown. But this time he goes hard. He steams over when he sees the army returning with women and children prisoners, and he orders every male child and every non-virgin woman put to death. With the virgins numbered at 32,000, we can assume this was a slaughter of at least tens of thousands. Oh, Moses...

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??!!"

...And still he's kept alive. God makes him sit in for the next 5 chapters as they calmly divvy up Canaan among themselves as if they already own the place. By the end of the book, he's still not dead.

6) "ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" (DEUTERONOMY 1-34)

...In fact, there's a whole book still to go!

Oh man, if you thought Leviticus was a slog, or that Jacob on his deathbed went on a bit, Deuteronomy will do your absolute cake in. I think it's either Moses overcompensating for that massacre he did, or God wringing every bit of value he can get from his dying prophet - because it's 30 full chapters of recapping events and repeating laws and warning people. It's brutal. It's surely of interest only to historians comparing the text to his previous work and trying to gauge the level of brain damage. Try mentioning Deuteronomy to anyone versed in the Bible, and if there isn't a tiny millisecond where their eyes glaze over in stress and boredom, they are crazy and have nothing to teach you.

The only new thing I did learn is that giants are real, thanks to the defeat of one King Og, whose iron bed was over 4 meters long. Those two scouts were either lying or grossly incompetent. And one of them is set to be the next leader.

Now, God tells Moses to come to the Tabernacle, for his death is nigh. It's unclear whether Moses still believes Him by now or just knows he has no choice but to dance - but he goes inside, to... yes, to be told he has one more job to do. He has to write a song this time! And go back to the people and sing it! It's a song about how shit they are and how much they've tried His patience over the years. Man, the nerve of this guy.

"And tell them again about that golden cow!"

For His finishing touch, He makes the withering bag of bones climb one more mountain and take a good hard look at the land he's not allowed to enter. Moses finally dies, and God Himself buries him in an unmarked grave. He's remembered as the greatest prophet ever, and the only man to ever look upon God's face.

Jacob's surprise smackdown in the desert must have just been some drunkard, then.

And he gets a pass on that genocide.

X X X X X

This marks the end of what they call The Pentateuch. The first five books of the Bible are also what make up the Torah. So at this point, Jews and Christians (and to an extent Muslims) are mostly in agreement.

Does Joshua mess up that badly that they branch off? Is he just not as dilligent a record-keeper as Moses? Is God finished telling His people off? Can we get back to fun stories soon?

I'm gripped now. I really am. I don't know if I'll carry on with these, because it's becoming a massive project (and remembering those divine pronouns is getting tedious) - but I will finish this book!

Thanks for reading!