"Let There Be Fun!" - The Book of Genesis in 8 Godly Edicts
- Simon Fallice
- Jul 4
- 13 min read
Updated: Aug 24
It's always been a goal of mine to read The Bible. I could never imagine actually wanting to, mind, I just always felt that I should - and I thought one day I'd muster enough self-discipline to sit down and slog through it.
I recently made a start and finished the book of Genesis. And I say unto you: I really enjoyed it. It's funny, it's crazy, it's cryptic, and it's in easily-manageable chunks. Maybe it gets boring later, but so far: definite recommend.
(I'm reading the King James Version, which seems to be the main one. It's just a nice coincidence that I'm already interested in that fruity, witch-obsessed bang-dodger and the later period he ruled.)
Heed this!
1) 1-5: "GET OFF MY YARD!"
I always thought Genesis was just the Garden of Eden story, but no. There's loads here! They're past the construction of the Pyramids before the book is finished. Hence, my initial, stupid plan to write about five books in one post fell at the Garden Gate.
(The surprises start early. For instance, when God breaks the news that He's revoking Adam's immortality as punishment for listening to his wife, the first thing Adam does is turn to his wife and name her Eve. She had no name until then! Also, "creeping things that creepeth" are mentioned a lot.)
Right, let's crack on. In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. Also, "the firmament", which you're probably aware by now is flat-earther speak for the sky. Interestingly, above Heaven is more water.
As we know, He later made man and woman, and His first address to them was a baited trap in the "tree of knowledge", which He had put there to tantalise them. This isn't the worst thing God will do to us - just the first. They have dominion over all animals but aren't allowed to eat them yet, so just what the hell they're supposed to do with this isn't clear. It's not like they need help with work, because they don't need to work yet either. Life is perfect - albeit mildly annoying as they lie awake at night pondering that tree.
When this goes to crap thanks to the snake (later said to have been Satan, but for now just a regular talking snake), God evicts them from the Garden and stations both two angelic bouncers and a massive fiery sword to keep them out.
He also decrees that they now have to work for their supper, and sets jobs for their two sons. Cain is to work the land, while Abel raises livestock. Livestock they're still not allowed to eat - and since they're using fig leaves for clothes, presumably this is just for sacrifices to God. This seems to be confirmed when God shows clear favouritism for his personal chef over his farmer, to the point Cain gets mad and kills his brother.
One thing I didn't know is that the "Mark of Cain" God brands him with, is there for his own protection. His exile from exile is punishment enough, and murderers can't be murdered. (One of his descendants will later cite precedent here and ask for the same treatment, though I don't think he gets it.) If like me you're confused as to why he'd need protection when only four people exist at this point, bear in mind that Genesis only names the important ones (and their respective lifespans, but mostly nothing else) - and with said lifespans averaging around 600 years, within ten generations humanity could have numbered in the millions. Crazy.
2) 6-9: "EAT THIS!"
God is still so upset with Cain that he hates the idea of his descendants mixing with those of Seth (one of Adam's later sons, who presumably picked up that livestock gig) and at Generation Ten he sends The Flood. He tells Noah to take two of each animal, but soon changes this and says that for birds and "clean animals" He wants seven. Maybe He was thinking of the food situation. Maybe it was panic at the realisation He's about to go forty days and nights without a sacrificed animal. (Or actually much longer - that's just how long it rains for.)
Once confident every land-dweller outside the Ark is now dead, God sets it down on Mount Ararat - which, surprisingly, we have a location for. It's this one, in Turkey:
From how it's written, God catches the sweet scent of the first cooked offering he's had in about a year, and is placated enough to promise no more genocides. At least not with rain (spoiler!). He also agrees we can share this bounty, giving the go-ahead now for meat-eating.
With the only people alive being righteous and blameless and handpicked by God, you might think He'd consider relieving those doormen of their duty and re-opening Eden. Nope. This may be Noah's introduction to the concept of original sin. It may also explain why a few years later he gets blackout pissed and is found naked in his tent by his adult children - for which he blames his grandson Canaan and tries to place a curse on him. Three sentences later, he's dead.
3) 10-15: "MOVE YOURSELF!"
Next comes the Tower of Babel story. Descendants of Noah decide to build a tower and try to reach Heaven. This must be far enough in the future that none of them remember how big that mountain was (16,854 feet - you're welcome), and thus the current score to beat. Though clearly ridiculous, it's enough to spook God, who magics them into speaking different languages, so they get confused and quit.
Next is the origin story of Abraham. God approaches this ageing fella (then called Abram) and tells him to abandon his home and family and start travelling to a land he promises will be totally worth it - while cunningly neglecting to give a timeframe. Abram takes his wife and nephew (it's not stated whether he cleared this with God, who we've seen by now can take a while to notice things and perhaps just couldn't be bothered taking him to task on it once they'd begun) and sets off.
After wandering for ages (including a stint where he narrowly avoids famine and death by pimping out his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt), he gets fed up with his nephew Lot's bitching and decides they should continue their wandering in opposite directions. By this point they've amassed many followers, so this is quite the split. Lot's lot goes toward Sodom, while Abram and co come to settle in Canaan (the place, not the suspected underwear thief).
Lot gets caught up in a war of nine kings (the Middle East having always been a mess) and kidnapped. When Abram learns of this, he takes 318 of his best men (and of course God) and they travel to Sodom to bring the pain. The grateful King of Sodom offers Abram a reward, but he refuses, lest any man say his wealth is not derived from God - conveniently forgetting that most of his wealth has come, again, from pimping out his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt. Easy to have principles when you have some money.
4) 16-20: "DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING!"
Unable to conceive, Abram's wife consents to her servant acting as surrogate and bearing a son (Ishmael), which of course causes tension. God lets this fester for 13 years, when Abram is 99 and his wife 90, before approaching him with a deal: He will bless them with a child on condition that the old man circumcise himself and every male heir he ever has. With his head spinning and over a decade of women's arguments still ringing in his ears, he does this immediately. Pleased, God sweetens the deal by giving him the new name of Abraham. That must have been nice.
This agreement is called "the covenant" and it's something God will dangle over Abe and his family until at least the end of this book. The son would be Isaac, which is your clue that God is not yet finished torturing His prophet.
But first, Sodom and Gomorrah! Lot is still in Sodom and apparently having a rubbish time. God sends two angels to his house in human form, and that night the house is besieged by lunatics demanding these "men" be sent out for raping. Lot offers his two virgin daughters instead, in a staggering display of good hostmanship, but this seems to anger them more and they start breaking in. This is the final straw, and the fire and brimstone begins.
Lot escapes with his wife (who is famously turned to salt by God as punishment for looking back) and his two daughters. Later, while holed up in a cave, these daughters ply him with wine and rape him, each conceiving a child. You can take the girl out of Sodom... Meanwhile, Abraham pimps out his elderly wife to yet another king, almost getting said king killed by God before he can plead his case, and again wins a tidy sum of money. If like me you smell two-tier policing on the part of God, don't worry: Abe is about to get another dose...
5) 21-24: "I'M AFRAID THE MUTILATED COCK WASN'T ENOUGH..."
Shortly after Isaac is born, tensions with the maid finally spill over and Abraham is forced to send her away with their teenage son - presumably to their deaths, although God intervenes to help them. It's not stated whether the old man is informed of this or left grieving, but either way the stage is set for God's greatest jape yet.
In Chapter 22, God wakes Abraham and orders him to take Isaac for a three-day ride to a place of sacrifice. On the way, Isaac smells a rat and questions why they packed kindling for the fire but no animal. We don't know if Abe dropped the bomb now or if he sussed for himself that he was to be stabbed up and burned to cinders on the whim of his dad's invisible boss. We also don't know how old he was, and therefore whether he accepted this fate or had to be overpowered. Since the frail Abraham took two men with him as well, I suspect the latter.
At the last moment of course, God pulls the Uno reverse and reveals it was a test. Before revealing the prize, there's the more important matter of an alternate sacrifice, so He sends the poor old codger bewildered and shaking to go and catch a ram. Once satisfied, He tells Abraham he will be blessed with heirs as plentiful as the stars and sand - something He had already promised twice before as part of the covenant but which no doubt brings relief - and bids him good day.
After the death of Abe's wife, Isaac is married off to a girl called Rebekah. Though completely unremarkable, this is the longest chapter of the book. Abraham remarries and has many more children before dying. It's also revealed for the first time that he'd had concubines too, the sly old dog. And so ends the life of the greatest man ever (according to the Jews; to Christians and Muslims he's number two). I'd say he's earned it.
6) 25-34: "JUST BRING IT!"
Isaac and Rebekah have twins, Esau and Jacob (of "ladder" fame). Esau comes first, meaning he's technically the firstborn and heir to a promised kingship as per God's covenant - but unfortunately he's ginger, and remarkably hairy. He's none too bright either, and to Rebekah's relief, Jacob is soon able to buy this birthright from him for a bowl of stew. Isaac isn't happy because he prefers Esau, but he knows better than to upset his wife - perhaps remembering how his dad's woman dramas drove him insane. God is silent on the matter so is assumed to be on board.
Years later, an elderly Isaac finds the courage to assert himself. He tells Esau he's going to reverse the sale and restore him as heir, in the form of a holy blessing. Because he's blind and a bit senile by this point, Jacob and his mum are able to trick him into bestowing this on Jacob instead, making him a super-charged double-king. Again, no word from God. In fact, God doesn't seem to be paying attention at all. This whole episode (and Jacob's many hours in makeup as Rebekah makes him suitably hairy to the touch as part of the con) seems to all be a waste of time - because God is away training. He's recently gotten into wrestling. He plans to descend upon an unsuspecting Jacob for a surprise Rumble. Told you this stuff was good.
When Esau discovers he's been done dirty again, he vows to kill Jacob, who runs away. His mum has arranged for him to stay with her side of the family, about 500 miles away. On the way, he has a dream about a ladder reaching to Heaven. That's it. That's what Jacob's Ladder is. I've had that same exact dream myself. I assume it's quite common. I guess like Neil Armstrong though, he could have thought up anything and it would have been revered forever.
Anyway, he arrives at his uncle's house and immediately decides he wants to marry his daughter Rachel (his own first cousin). His uncle tricks him into fourteen years of unpaid labour in return for both of his daughters. Player got played! Not so wily without his mum there, our Jacob. Adding to the headache is God, who ups the drama by striking barren the one he likes - forcing him to frantically poke both of them, resentment growing all round with each blameless child the ugly sister bears him. He even starts on their maids, having eleven kids before the curse is lifted and Rachel gives him a son.
Job finally done after two decades, he flees for home, taking all his women and children and a bunch of his uncle's stuff. (Angry, the uncle chases and catches up with them. Even though God warns him to leave it, the two argue all night until the uncle agrees: fair enough.) Almost home and wary of his brother, Jake sets up camp and puts the feelers out. He learns the ginger warrior has gathered 400 men and is still steaming. Terrified, he sends his entire party ahead in waves, with orders to give away all the stuff he stole as a peace offering and see what happens. As he lies alone, too anxious to sleep, God chooses now to lay the smackdown. He dislocates Jacob's hip, giving him a permanent limp, and gives him the new name "Israel" in honour of their encounter.
It turns out the scouts were mistaken, and Esau is not angry after all. They have an emotional reunion, and cry and kiss and exchange gifts - whereupon Jacob (Israel) takes his family and settles miles away. Never trust a ginger.
7) 35-48 : "OK, TIME TO BE NICE..."
Rachel gives Jacob (we'll keep calling him Jacob; he won't die until the end so let's not get confused) a second son, and dies in childbirth. His eldest son pokes one of his concubines. His dad Isaac dies.
Jacob's favourite son is still his first with Rachel. This is Joseph (of "Technicolor Dreamcoat" fame) - and it's on him we focus next. His dad's favouritism goes to his head, and he's insufferable.
He speaks with unearned authority. He's always tattling on his ten older brothers. He's one of those people who thinks everyone wants to hear about their dreams. On his seventeenth birthday his dad gives him the dreamcoat, and his dreams turn to being lord of the family. This is the final straw, and his brothers march him out of town and dump him in a pit. They're about to kill him and shove those many colours up his arse when a slave trader passes by, and they sell him instead. They dip the coat in blood and tell their dad wolves got him.
This minor dent to his ego is quickly forgotten when his master turns out to be second-in-command to the Pharaoh of Egypt - who also thinks he's brilliant and puts him in charge of everything. Then his master's wife starts trying to sleep with him. He keeps rejecting her until she goes all Disclosure and tells everyone he'd tried it on with her. (At least that's the narrative; women don't really get a voice in this book.) Regardless, he's thrown into prison - where he immediately finds favour with the warden and is again put in charge.
Confidence now bursting from every pore, he starts telling the other convicts that he can channel God and interpret their dreams. Rather than beat the piss out of him as you'd expect, they value his stories. Pharaoh hears of this and asks him to decipher a dream he's had about cows. Joseph tells him a famine is coming and that he will need to be put in charge for at least seven years in order to prepare for it. Pharaoh of course agrees, and thus does Joseph not only escape punishment for trying to doink that governor's wife (which he definitely did) - he even takes the guy's job. No wonder his brothers hated him. This guy has been in the zone his entire life.
Luckily for him, the famine does indeed come to pass, and soon Jacob sends his ten older sons to Egypt to buy food.
Now Joseph is the governor, his brothers don't recognise him, so he dicks them around and plays tricks, testing them. This seems fair enough given what they did - except it spans three whole chapters and seems to go on for at least a year. He then reveals himself (not like that) and the family comes to settle in Egypt. He posits a theory that God guided his brothers' betrayal of him to start a long-winded plan for the family to escape famine. He's learned nothing about what a complete pecker he is. But they leave it at that.
8) 49-50: "OH YEAH, THE COVENANT!"
On his deathbed, Jacob gathers the family for a performance review. He still hasn't forgotten the son who diddled one of his women. He gives a ticking off about a murder I didn't have space for (it was actually the massacre of a whole city so they get off lightly), and a wall being vandalised. Joseph scores 10/10. These are the highlights but he goes through every son and it's quite a punishing read. Like the end of Lord of the Rings.
Jacob dies, and eventually so does Joseph. They're buried with Abraham and Isaac in Canaan (again: the place, not the underpants bandit from the Noah story). Now, Canaan is the promised land. The famine is long over. Why can't they just go there? I can't help but blame MLK here, because I think he's muddied the waters. These aren't oppressed people looking for sanctuary (at least not yet - I have a feeling this changes in Exodus). If you remember, Abraham was settled and happy when God appeared and told him to shift himself. No, they're looking for a place they can own. They need to increase their numbers and raise an army. I can't tell if they actually want this or are just dancing to God's tune. Though I suppose for all intents, they're the same thing.
x x x
Ok, so that's the book! As I say, I really enjoyed it. I'm sure it's blasphemous, but I like how God is kind of a bumbling comedy character. He shows up late, He goes AWOL with no explanation like Gandalf, it takes Him a while to notice things, He gets into arguments with people, and people seem able to lie to Him and hide things from Him. When He goes, He goes hard, and I'm sure this gets worse, but for now He reads more like Zapp Brannigan than The Almighty. I definitely want more of this.
As I also said, I had foolishly planned to summarise one book per entry and be at Joshua by now. I think this was based on my long-standing assumption that much of The Bible is just a list of funny names. Hopefully this is true, or I may have to change tack. I will definitely read it all, but I'm not writing sixty more of these.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed it too, and stay tuned for Part 2!
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