5 Nursery Rhymes Amazon Thinks are Filthy

Amazon was pretty late to the music streaming party. You get the impression Bezos agreed to it reluctantly, since by all accounts he's such a stone-hearted lizard that he doesn't like music of any description. This may explain why the bare minimum seems to have gone into the algorithm which categorises it. When you have over 100 million songs in your store, it's forgivable that some lyrics are wrong, or some artwork belongs to the wrong album.

It's also expected that the benchmark for what's considered offensive will be quite low, given where society is at. But they seem to have set the puritan slider to maximum, where even Ned Flanders would be scratching his head, and just called it a day. As of February 2025, all of the below songs are marked "Explicit".

1) CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICK CHICKEN

Now with this one, I'm kind of in agreement. The nature of the relationship implied in this song always seemed horrific to me. This monster of a man has developed a manic appetite for the unborn children of his feathered slave. This poor chicken is at the man's constant beck and call, forced to deliver her little dreams for the future on demand, for him to devour between gleeful singsong. He even has the audacity to complain about this. If my infant brain had pondered this much more I may have grown up vegan.

I would imagine though, that it's the word "chick" that's the sticking point. They apparently think there are women out there who are so stupid, they will feel objectified by this. I'm not a "chick", I'm a person in my own right. Pretty offensive, Amazon!

2) ITSY BITSY SPIDER

My best guess here is that "washed out" has been flagged as potential urban slang for drug stuff. (So "rain" is heroin in this context - but beyond that I'm confused.) Either that, or the inspiring message of perseverance through life's relentless obstacles is seen instead as some kind of horror story.

Funny side note: Did you know Bezos wanted to call his company Relentless? He bought the domain relentless.com and still refuses to sell it to the energy drinks company, so since 1998 it's just been redirecting to Amazon. Keep that dream alive!

3) OLD MOTHER HUBBARD

This one always struck me as quite sad. Mrs Hubbard must be recently bereaved, in a fog of depression, going about her day in a daze. It takes her dog whining for her to realise that her cupboard is empty - which she doesn't even bother to remedy. Forget the "poor dog" - the old lady needs a welfare check.

However - did you know there are more verses to this? Lots more. Hubbard does in fact leave the house, to run various errands for the dog, and you know what? Forget the dog even harder - because it takes the absolute piss. Dancing a jig, smoking a pipe, wearing her clothes, having a skate, and that's not the half of it. It even pretends to be dead, just to laugh at her. I'm still unclear which specific part of this elder abuse Amazon takes exception to, but I think maybe "riding a goat" has stood out.

4) POP! GOES THE WEASEL

It turns out this song is about pawning your "weasel and stoat" (coat) in order to afford food. So not exactly a happy song - but also far from explicit. My guess for this one is that Americans don't know what treacle is, so have once again assumed drug stuff.

I don't have anything more to add, so another funny side note: Did you know that Bezos' biological father abandoned his family to pursue his dream of becoming a champion unicyclist? How do you begin to process that...

5) YAKETY YAK

Bit of a stretch this one, but I'm going to say it's a nursery rhyme despite the absence of accompanying cartoon animals. It's a song about doing your chores and shutting your mouth. It's also slower than I remember, so kids' stupid brains can follow it.

It's so inoffensive (and so quaintly old-fashioned) that it includes the word "hoodlum", which I assume is the issue. Maybe that's seen as classist now? People outside the 'hood can be criminals too, after all. But come on: I defy anyone who is ever called a hoodlum to feel anything but puzzled amusement.

Curious omissions: Hey Diddle Diddle, She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain, Wee Willie Winkie, Ride a Cock Horse, Baa Baa Black Sheep.