5 Childish Songs We Need in 2025

I've heard it said that music today isn't actually worse than it used to be. Apparently that's a fallacy and I'm just miserable. Only the best music of each era tends to survive in memory, and what we remember and love now isn't necessarily what was popular at the time.

This is patently untrue. If we're talking survival of the bangingest, I'd genuinely never heard any of the supposed 'most recognisable songs' of the last ten years, before I checked that video out a few weeks ago. It's not that they're all rubbish, but certainly none of them rang a bell when I played them again just now. I just can't believe that a single soul in this world cares about them. We're all tired and stressed and poorly; all the good chord progressions have been done to death; no autotuned twentysomething will break us out of our rut.

With all this in mind, I propose we stop trying. Scream pissholes to it all and embrace our moral and intellectual collapse with ridiculous covers we can stop pretending we only enjoy ironically. I'll start us off:

1) FARTFINGER

I don't have any of the lyrics worked out, but the video would of course be a parody of the Bond film. The dastardly villain has positioned two Death Stars, fused together to form a disembodied metal arse, in the outer reaches of the exosphere where it's poised to fire a concentrated blast of hot bum gas at our planet.

Having fought his way to Fartfinger's mountain lair, Bond (Rylan Clark) finds the suave shit reclining in his chair, where he invites Bond to pull his finger. "Pffffft… What a pity, Mr Bond..." The countdown is triggered and it's a race against time to fight through more henchmen and hit the abort button (which is also an arse).

2) WHEN A MAN LOVES A FART

You may not be aware, but this is already a recognised condition, and its name is eproctophilia. I don't think you need to be a child to find that funny. But let's end the stigma and throw some light on this affliction. For Michael Bumton, the fetish has grown into an obsession. A deep whiff of aerosolised arse matter has sparked a fire in his heart that will burn for the rest of his life.

A touching ode to the highs and lows of love, as the infatuated crooner follows the carrier around like a desperate puppy, seesawing between bliss and excitement one moment, then crushing despair as days go by without so much as a parp.

3) HOW DEEP IS YOUR FART

Returning from a BBC canteen, the Bee Gees find themselves trapped in a lift, where they recall to their horror that one of them had cauliflower cheese. With their delicate constitutions, and the repair expected to take half an hour, the uncomfortable question must sadly be asked.

OK, so this would need to be set in the past and the Bootleg Bee Gees used. As for the lyrics, I think something can be worked out with "summer breeze / bum breeze". I'm not much of a lyrics man, as may be clear by now. That said, I do have much of this next one worked out...

4) WHAT A POO!

One night

And on the loo, Napoleon did surrender

Oh yeah!

He hugged his knees and squeezed a steaming, fat chocolate bender

He smiled and he sighed, then he cried

Equal parts pleasure and pride

What a poo!

Easily sixteen inches or more

What a poo!

Tender, red ringpiece all bruised and sore

What a poo!

Couldn't stand up if he wanted to

What a poo!

Even his nan declared, What a poo!

A future chart-topper, I hope you'll agree.

5) MY FART WILL GO ON

In the right context, all of us hope to be remembered through our farts. Whether in the manager's office on your last day of work or simply at a barber's, a unique and lasting impression is a noble goal indeed. This one could even be a medley, with said fart being left in San Francisco. After all, two farts are better than one. Let's be honest, this whole thing is basically bottomless.