"Come again?" - 5 Pretentious Autobiography Titles

You know what's a brilliant title for an autobiography? Rags to Richie. The book may be shite for all I know, but you have to admit that title is perfect. It's so good, in fact, that you wonder whether he thought of it one day at school and then devoted the rest of his life to making it happen. For all the mickey that's taken, I also think My Booky Wook does the job well. It's my book, and this is how I talk, as you know. Nice. Concise.

You'll notice that neither of these titles take themselves too seriously. It's up to the reader to decide whether your highs and your lows and the lessons they taught you are worth a toss. Nobody told that to these people:

1) WALKING DISASTER: MY LIFE THROUGH HEAVEN AND HELL (DERYCK WHIBLEY)

If you're anything like me, you just had a brief glimpse of yourself tearing his skateboard from his hands and feeding it to him. And I say that as someone who likes the guy. I loved Sum 41 growing up. Of all the entries on this list, this is the only one I'm likely to ever read.

But he's pushing it. His core audience will be at least in their mid-30s now and will almost certainly have experienced the hell of dragging their creaking bones through all weathers for as much donkey work as they can find for the privilege of a leaky roof above their children's heads - and especially now, very few of these people are going to give a spiky-haired shit about his idea of Hell.

Not to say you have to be poor to know what real pain is - that's silly. But I do think most people subconsciously believe that. So maybe tone it down a bit there, Bizzle. By all means be as emotive as you like in the book - I want to hear it all - but give me an indication that it won't be just that the whole time and that fame hasn't taken all your humility.

My suggestion: Sum of My Parts: A Photo Album

2) TRAVELLING TO INFINITY: MY LIFE WITH STEPHEN (JANE HAWKING)

No, she's not the one that was knocking him around. That was the maid he left her for. Hers might have been a story worth reading, since he was understandably aloof about the whole thing and I'd quite like to know what the hell that was all about. And did she make him do that Specsavers advert?

I can't imagine that anyone who isn't unbearably dull, though, was wondering for a second what it might be like to be the first wife of the famous robot slouch. Well, here it is regardless. Christ alone knows what she means by "travelling to infinity". We've all had relationships, love.

The original title was even worse: Music to Move the Stars. Excuse me? Come again, Jane? If I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, I'd say she's a career musician and believes this helped his thought process. But even then, she's reaching. If you're thinking she had a moment of clarity and changed the title out of embarrassment, not a bit of it: it was changed to shift more copies after the biopic came out.

My suggestion: Egghead Deadlegs: My Mother Was Right All Along, the Bastard

Pictured: a rich, fun-having survivor.

3) LOSING MY VIRGINITY: HOW I SURVIVED, HAD FUN AND MADE A FORTUNE DOING BUSINESS MY WAY (RICHARD BRANSON)

If he'd stopped at the opener, this could have worked. I mean it doesn't actually work at all, unless a good enough chunk of the book really is about that, but I still quite like it.

The rest, though, seems redundant. We know you have fun: at any given time you're either on a hot-air balloon or a yacht, or you're playing tennis. We know you're rich: you have that island. Fortune and fun are your two defining traits. And unless there was some plane crash I haven't heard about, the word "survived" implies as much naivety as with our teenybop friend above. We've all survived. I bet he isn't even talking about an illness or whatever, just some business thing.

My suggestion: Pecker Island

4) SURRENDER: 40 SONGS, ONE STORY (BONO)

Another in our series of "Cryptic Opener: Wank-wank-wank". Whoever set this precedent has a lot to answer for. But this one is peak Bono. Vague yet grand, like he's writing scripture for future generations to ponder. Is he really asking us to read about forty of his songs? Again, I haven't read it, but it would certainly be on-brand for him to have written about forty of his songs. Christ Himself didn't lay that much on us.

When you think of it like this, it starts reading more like the title of a maniac's manifesto. Surrender, mortals, to the cult of denim and heels. Know ye my songs, that the One True Story may be told.

My suggestion: Just Fuck Off

5) IN FULL COLOR: FINDING MY PLACE IN A BLACK AND WHITE WORLD (RACHEL DOLEZAL)

If you're unfamiliar with Rachel Dolezal, she is by her own estimation "a fully conscious, woke soul sista". A female David Brent, then. Her Wikipedia entry is of course massive. She's "transracial", which apparently is a thing you can be now without any of the loud people getting upset. Yes, anyone can wake up tomorrow, announce they're black, and start shouting "Don't oppress me or my brethren!" without any significant pushback.

Thankfully, making a career out of this reprehensible shit is difficult - no amount of posing in front of maps of Africa will make this go down any easier - which presumably is why she's now started an OnlyFans.

About the book, the only thing approaching praise its Wikipedia entry could find is, "Rachel is portrayed to be a highly intelligent and creative person". Not even that she is, just that she says she is. Even this review slags her off and calls her a false prophet. Comforting to know that she's "found her place" though. And that it's a long way away from me.

My suggestion: My Favourite Actor is Mr Sidney Poitier, and Other Musings