The Bible Part 2: Fun and Moses

And we're back! I read the book of Genesis recently, and I've now finished Exodus too. It's really good! Even if a full quarter of it is just instructions for how to build a tent.

It starts off where Genesis finished. So to recap: God plucked Abraham from his comfortable life and told him He wants to build an army of his descendants and use it to conquer Canaan, the promised land. He frames this as somehow being a gift, and demands all Abraham's male heirs be circumcised in return. This agreement is called "the covenant".

Through Isaac, Jacob and then Joseph, the growing family ("the Israelites") settle in Egypt and await their orders. As God's chosen, their future looks bright. But God is nothing if not tricksy. Read on!

ChatGPT, you've done it again!

1) 1-4: MOSES RISES

Many generations have now passed. Pharaoh becomes spooked when he realises there are enough of these immigrants living by their own rules and not assimilating that they could own the place if they ever tried - so he strikes first and enslaves them. He also orders newborn male Israelites murdered.

Into this chaos, Moses is born. You may have heard the story of Moses in the bulrushes, which I assumed was his sobbing mother sending his crib down the river to be hopefully picked up by a kindly stranger outside the law's reach. The actual story is funnier. She puts it in a shallow part of the river (among the bulrushes - duh) where it's sure to be noticed by Pharaoh's daughter, who is going through her rebellious phase and looking for any excuse to undermine her dad. Moses' sister waits for her to find the baby and presents herself, saying she knows of a local maid who may take him in in if the price is right. Thus does baby Moses not only escape death, but his mum is able to negotiate a weekly salary for looking after her own kid.

"He's my world."

Now, Moses is The Guy. If the main character of Geneis was Abraham, Exodus belongs to Moses. He's actually credited with writing the first five books of the Bible - though obviously that's unclear.

Moses grows up, has to flee Egypt after he kills someone, and gets married. One day while out shepherding he comes upon his second famous story: the burning bush. God's face appears in a bush fire and commands him to return to Egypt and confront Pharaoh. He says everyone who knew about the killing is now dead so he's in the clear. He shows him three tricks he can use to convince Pharaoh he's God's messenger: snake-staff switcheroo, blood-water switcheroo and the amazing leprous hand. You'd think just one of these would suffice, but God wants as much fun out of this as He can get, saying "I will harden his heart".

Moses whinges about this at every turn and God gets annoyed. He eventually consents to his brother Aaron doing the actual confronting while Moses whispers in his ear what to say, ready with the party tricks if needed. They say goodbye. But God is still steaming at his attitude. What happens next is so mental, I had to read it about five times.

"Surprise! Back for Round 2!"

Moses stops at a pub on his way home, where his wife and son are waiting. God shows up, having apparently changed His mind and wanting to kill him. His wife jumps into action, performs an impromptu circumcision on their son with a sharp bit of rock, rubs the severed foreskin on his feet and screams, "A bloody husband thou art!". This somehow diffuses the situation.

Nowhere is it explained just what in the shit is going on here. But it seems God thought Moses was pulling a fast one in not circumcising his son as per the covenant. He'd passed the interview but skipped the background check - neither of which he had even wanted. Panic over, Moses takes his family and returns to Egypt.

2) 5-12: MOSES POSES

So Moses for the first time commands Pharaoh (sheepishly, through his brother): "Let my people go!" With his hard heart, Pharaoh not only refuses, but says the slaves now have to work even harder. Moses has forgotten about his magic tricks and instead shuffles off to grumble to God some more, the first visit a failure.

(I found this all a bit confusing. Pharaoh seems right to be concerned about the Israelites in his land. They're literally a growing army of God, or at least they see themselves that way. He doesn't know the end game is for them to leave Egypt and sack Canaan - and no one knows when that will be, if ever. On the other hand, he did order infanticide. You don't do that.)

Look at him, the monster.

Moses is told to try again, and this time he remembers his magic rod. He throws it on the ground and it becomes a snake. Pharaoh has seen this one before; he has his own magicians do the same as a sleight-of-hand trick. God's patience runs out: He skips the leprous hand and the next day ramps up His third trick to a full-blown plague, turning all the water in the land to blood.

This of course is the first of the Ten Plagues. What's funny is that Pharaoh's own magicians still try to keep up at first. They find some remaining water stored up and turn it to blood as well. Shazam! When God sends frogs, they magic even more frogs. Kadabra! Then they realise how moronic this is, and they stop.

"Do I look French to you?!"

The following chapters are quite tiresome. With each new plague, Pharaoh begs for an end and promises to let the people go, and each time we're told God hardens his heart so he changes his mind and the next round can begin. Moses seems to grow more confident in the process, waving his staff around and flexing, and the suffering people of Egypt start to like him. They even give the Israelites their valuables when he asks them to.

For His tenth plague, the coup de grace, God shits on this by striking dead every firstborn son in Egypt. This could be seen as losing the moral high ground against Pharaoh, except He gives them an out: if they show their faith by smearing lamb's blood around their front doors the night before, they will be spared. Given the bizarre horrors they've experienced, you would assume 100% participation. Maybe they're too traumatised. Maybe it's fear of aligning publicly with traitors. Maybe it's the lack of lambs following God killing all their damn animals just weeks ago. Whatever it is, "The Passover" is a bloody one as God brings the pain.

With this, Pharaoh finally casts them all out and the exodus begins.

"So long, Stinktown!"

3) 13-18: MOVEMENT OF JAH PEOPLE

Because their exodus was more a hasty eviction than dignified exit, God's homeless are in a bad shape and scared. In a bid to cheer them up, God hardens Pharaoh's heart for about the thirteenth time, so he'll take his army and try to recapture them, then drowns them in the Red Sea. This works, and they all sing merrily.

Keep this image in mind, though. They will abandon this guy for a golden cow at literally the first opportunity.

Soon the people become hungry and start complaining again. God rains food in the form of manna. They then complain that they're thirsty. God has Moses magic water by striking a rock. They're then attacked by bandits, who God helps to fight off. (He says He will smite them every time Moses lifts that magic rod, so Moses gets a team of people to hold his arm in the air all night until they've won.)

Of course, Moses gets it in the neck from his people once more. The Israelites' constant bitching will end up costing them forty years, as God won't let them into Canaan until they calm down. Moses assigns complaints handlers in the meantime.

4) 19-31: TEN COMMANDMENTS, TONS OF FAFF

After three months, they arrive at Mount Sinai. Unlike with Noah's flood, we don't have an agreed-upon location for this even though we have a fair idea of the route they took. This is because the area is full of them. Just look at what we're dealing with:

No wonder He couldn't be bothered coming down.

Now, the story I heard is that Moses climbs the mountain and comes back down with the Ten Commandments etched in stone. The actual process takes ages. First, God makes him climb up and down the mountain a few times to make sure they're still down with the covenant ("keep circumcising yourselves plus a bunch of other things I'm about to spit, and I'll see you right in time") and to tell him no one else is allowed up there - which Moses relays to the people. God then addresses the people in a booming voice and gives them the Ten Commandments directly. Making Moses look quite the twat.

It turns out the people don't like this, so they send Moses back up to talk to God alone. Which is just as well, because what follows is three whole chapters of boring civil law. How much is owed when your ox eats your neighbour's crops - that kind of thing. Moses writes all of this down, descends, and gives it to the people.

God then orders the old man back up the mountain once more, because He was so happy with the first ten that He wants to set them in stone and hand them to him. The ones everybody heard and probably wrote down already. In fact He's so excited that He updates the guest list and says to bring 70 other guys along, and to dump them near the summit just so they can be in the vicinity when this amazing event takes place. Moses must have glutes of absolute stone by now.

"Just carve them on my ass!"

Now they're alone, God also gives instructions for a portable temple (called The Tabernacle) and a housing unit for the tablets (the Ark of the Covenant). For a God that will later be rebranded as humble, there's a quite breathtaking amount of faff here. It's all angel figures and purple silk and almond blossom and golden rinlets and gold leaf and plated gold and hammered gold and silver and bronze. It goes on for six chapters. He even has instructions for what the priests inside should wear, down to the smallest detail. He spraffs on about this for 40 days, while the 70 men below sit bewildered and hungry.

5) 32-34: WAS I GONE THAT LONG...?

God is so in the zone here, He hasn't realised that His people abandoned Him the moment Moses left them. He's just finished telling Moses what kind of anointing oil He wants when He looks down and sees them worshipping a golden calf. Funnily enough it was Aaron, whom God had big plans for as his favoured High Priest, who built it for them. God wants to kill them all. Moses calms Him down and says he will go down and sort it.

He's so fed up with the Israleites' crap by now that he storms past those 70 elders who'd been waiting dutifully near the peak (they're not mentioned again in this book) and smashes the stone tablets on the floor. Despite his talk with God, he orders about 3,000 men killed. (These are people who, when asked explicitly whether they'd like to continue worshipping a golden goddamn cow forged just weeks ago over a God who has been kicking ass their entire lives, replied yes.)

Aaron gives a half-assed excuse ("I just put the gold in the fire and a calf came out!") and this is fine. God has already designed his costume, after all.

God starts to worry that Moses may abandon Him for false idols too. He's "a jealous God", see - which may go without saying since Moses is now about 80 years old and probably just looking forward to death, rather than a fundamental life change. So in a bid to keep him onside, He reveals Himself to Moses (or as much as He can without killing him with His mighty brilliance). He then rewrites the tablets he broke and gifts him a glowing face, which frightens the crap out of everyone.

6) 35-40: THE TENT IS BUILT

The title really says it all here. There's no difference in how it's built to how God already instructed at punishing length earlier - but it's repeated in full detail anyway.

It looked like this.

X X X X

And there we are! I'll say again: I'm really enjoying this. I hope it stays this fun, but I suspect it won't. Next up is Leviticus, which if I'm correct is where God is at His most nasty. Check it out!