5 More People Who Think You Care About Their Problems

Oh man, the rancid well of Great British entitlement is a deep one indeed. I've written before about angry fatheads going to the press with their trivial complaints. It turns out there are loads of these. Consider writing to your MP about these people:

1) LUMBAR LENNOX

A common staple of "Broken Britain" imagery is potholes, and you will find dullards pointing at them in every newspaper in the land. I like to think the photographer here has finally had enough. The email promised a major public safety issue causing untold damage and chaos, and after a week trying to explain how to attach photos, a team was dispatched. And they see this. Not only is it not even in the road, it's not even a hole. You couldn't drown a snail in the puddle this would make.

I hope this is one of at least fifty photos they made him pose for. Nearly there, you're doing great... Oh dear, that bird threw the lighting off! No, don't turn round. Let's try over here. Bit lower this time... OK, ten seconds, here we go...

2) "DISTRESSED MARK"

You get the impression this guy needed no such encouragement. Standing arms-crossed on a patch of ice, in his slippers, at the top of a flight of stairs where he's liable to crack his skull open, was probably his own idea. I wonder if he had to sign a release form? No it's OK, I really am this dense. I'm just waiting for the next headline of a bored mother pointing to this photo and doing some frowning of her own.

3) CHICKEN DEREK

Do you know how big a pain in the arse you have to be to get thrown out of a Wetherspoons as a pensioner? That's half their clientele. Half their business model is catering to the fatuous demands of doddering old bastards with a lifetime of scores to settle and nowhere else to be. Bar staff will have a high tolerance when half their day is disputes over vouchers, or explaining offers, or arguments over the coffee machine system, or watermarks on cutlery, or whether the peas today are mushy or garden. It must roll off their back. But look at Derek. You know he's up to the challenge.

His initial complaint wasn't even for himself. He was crowing about his friend receiving five chicken nuggets rather than the ten he thought he'd paid for. What's funny here is that Derek was already planning his big media event prior to being kicked out: in his photo of him pointing to the menu item, we see he's vandalised it by scribbling his bullet points. "There was no apology from the manager", the next ten customers may be interested to learn.

After then being abusive to staff, he was banned. For some reason, nearly a third of the article is a photo of Derek, hands on hips, looking pensively toward the horizon. Probably planning his descent on Morrison's.

4) THIS MAN

Bit of a departure this one. Or not, as it turns out. See, the man doing the complaining is also the one writing the article - which I imagine was reaching a deadline, so he decided to just write about his bus not turning up. Some real Gonzo journalism there. He writes about the service's "shock closure" with "crucial services" under threat even though he admits he was the only one waiting. In one hour at the bus stop he saw a total of two people - who wanted another bus - which did arrive.

Check out that lip! He's clearly covered dozens of stories just like this for other people, and he knows what the readers want.

5) ELAINE ELAINE, BRINGER OF THE PAIN

I live for the day when something like a misplaced speedbump can give me the kind of ferocious energy you see above. Imagine opening your door to this! Her neighbours must be terrified of putting their bins out too early. This is what you see when you crash your broomstick through Professor McGonagall's window. I bet this woman lives to be about 120.

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