5 People Who Think You Give a Shit About Their Problems

Imagine you have a younger brother with a penis growing out of his head. Your parents always told him it's a mole, but no, it's very clearly a penis. You feel very protective of him, to the point that you've been paying kids at school to never mention it. Everyone in your town is respectful and mature enough not to stare. It's never an issue for him. He's completely shielded. Oblivious. By the time he grows up, he will be a force to be reckoned with. Picture him at his first interview - casually flicking his head every ten seconds as it slowly flops into his eyeline again and again. They would be transfixed. There's no way he's not getting hired.

Now picture him making a complaint about something. Something minor. A parking fine. His confidence through the roof thanks to a lifetime of coddling, he storms up to the Town Hall and demands to see the mayor. He's so animated, his glans is bouncing off the bridge of his nose, beads of sweat flying in all directions. You better believe he has their attention. Before he knows it, every news agency in existence is scrambling to interview him. He probably gets off with the fine. He assumes the whole world supports his every gripe. He never learns the truth that to literally everybody else is as clear as the cock on his face. Now keep that image in mind, as we look at...

1) CAPTAIN CATERPILLARS

See if you can guess what nearly every comment on this article is about. I'll give you a clue: it's not flight delays. Look at him! "Fuming Terry" (of course his name is Terry) has reportedly travelled all over the world - has no one pointed out his follical deformity?

I guess it just speaks to the inherent politeness of the British people. I mean, presumably these were package holidays to places with pubs and full English breakfasts, snipped from coupons in The Sun over pints of bitter at the Conservative club, as is the wont of every man whose name is Terry.

No, we British do the decent thing and just laugh at him in private. Maybe he was bitten by a radioactive tiger owl! Maybe he's planning on flapping there himself! Looks like he'll have to 'BROWS for a solicitor! Imagine how fuming he'd be if he crossed paths with the Tango man. (No joke there, just something I would love to see happen.)

2) LORD PEAKBENDER

Have you ever seen a man in more desperate need of a kick up the arse? It's amazing. I want so much to go back to a time when we were more laid back about such things, take a run up, and kick him right up the arse as hard as I can. And that's without knowing anything about him, or why he's pulling a face. The hate is instinctual. He's the human equivalent of a wasp.

With this being the case, the story behind the frown is actually quite funny. Some hospital called his parents late one night and told them he was semi-conscious following a mental health crisis. Can't have been a bolt from the blue. From how he's dressed, he can't decide if he's an aristocrat, a children's entertainer or a bike thief. Whether he's putting his bins out or waiting for the Rolls Royce to be brought around. It was only a matter of time. But they'd made a mistake - and because his parents live hundreds of miles away in Scotland, all they could do was pace around all night worrying.

"It's a data breach", he says. What kind of dullard actually says that, outside of a HR office? "How many other people has this happened to?", he wonders, for some reason. He says "it's just not good enough" twice in the same interview. When you're this much of a fanny, it doesn't even matter if you're right. Maybe the call was deliberate. I wonder if anyone has ever sent him prank taxis or pizzas? Hearing him go off about that would be brilliant.

3) THIRSTY RON'S WIFE

What if your metaphorical headcock is another person - like your husband? Now, this one is a classic. Look at Ron's face. He knows he's busted. He knows that everyone in their house taking photos and getting the story, knows he's busted. He knows that everyone who will ever read this article until the end of time, knows he's busted.

You have to feel for him. If he had any conception of the sheer tsunami of free porn mere clicks away at all times, his little testicle head would spin. But no, he probably thought, what's the worst that can happen? If I'm caught out, I'll take my few days of silent treatment. I can't still be tiptoeing around, I'm nearly dead for fuck's sake - show me some boobs!

I bet he was never even given that chance to fess up. We know how it should go. The initial denial, the downplaying and hoping she'll find something else to do, the doubling down as she gets angry, the anger you throw back at her as a last throw of the dice, the heartfelt confession and tears if you can manage it, the apology gift she will pretend to reject - it's all part of the dance. But not for Ann. She jumps straight to 11 and coming clean was never an option.

He was relieved when her womanly wrath was safely diverted to a complaints department trained in dealing with it, and he let his guard down. And tragically, that was all the assurance she needed go to the press. What fresh hell is this, Ron! I bet she's still fighting this, convinced that everyone is on her side, rather than openly laughing at them both. Poor guy.

4) CHANTELLE-DEMIS

With one glance at this pic, you've probably guessed the gist of it. Burden-of-the-state slug of a woman has given her adult daughter (probably called something like Ellie-Mae) zero life lessons and thinks whatever fallout has been caused is someone else's fault. You must understand, she has anxiety.

Billie-Leigh's first mistake was eating that sofa. But that's another story. No, her first mistake in this case was thinking her first job - at age 19 no less - was somehow guaranteed for life even though she was hired as a Christmas temp and was rubbish by her own admission. Her second was complaining to her mum on learning she was wrong. A mum who has even less frame of reference for how the working world works and thought this was worth going to the papers with.

As with Ronette above, there's a big divide here between how she thinks her story is being received and what people are actually thinking. You can guarantee the reporters at the house were clocking the relative comfort these moaning wastrels live in, with their telly the same size as their own and their heating system maintained by law, and were hating their lives.

They probably took comfort in dropping Billie in it for her cash-in-hand work she obliviously announced. Or the thought that she's barred herself from any hope of future employment, since a quick Google search will now tell anyone it may concern that she's an even bigger pain in the arse than she looks. Though you can bet she has kids herself by now so this means nothing to her. Political...

5) WHOEVER COMPLAINED TO COUNCILLOR KENOBI

Now that's a couldn't-give-a-shit face if ever I saw one. And why would she? This muddy footpath doesn't affect her because she lives at least 100 yards away and takes another route - but if it did, she would buy some appropriate gear and get on with it. Which cretin got her out here for this, three days before Christmas?

(Funny side note: the man looking into this is called Matthew Crucefix. Are people making these up?)

More moaning Michaels in part 2!

Consider helping me out by clicking "like" and commenting below!